You see I’m not very good at relationships. I’ll re phrase that, I’m great at some relationships. Friendships I’m pretty damn good, work relationships, sorted. Father/daughter relationship, gotta say, I’m the shit. Romantic relationships…..forget about it. And no, this is not a Carrie Bradshaw style musing about how shit it is to be single (or independent as I like to call it). It’s also not a man hating I’ve-been-cheated-on-I’m-such-a-victim-post, so you’re safe to read on.
That bit when you first break up with someone is fucking awful. Even if you’re the one who’s done the deed it’s still beyond shit. You have that sense of loss and failure. You automatically question if it was the right thing to do. It’s like your brain is a complete fucker and will only remind you of all of the great times. Remember that time he was meant to be working in London and you found that hotel receipt from Manchester in his bag booked in some random girl’s name? Course you don’t. Instead you remember the first time he told you he loved you. You remember buying a pot plant from B&Q and him naming it Archimedes. You remember staying up too late on a school night because you both wanted to watch another episode of CSI. You remember feeling like a little family. Seriously, your brain post break up is literally a cunt.
And it’s not just your brain, there’s the physical side of it. You have that pain in your chest. You don’t sleep properly. You either over eat or don’t eat at all. You just feel displaced. It can be really difficult to shake. So how do you get over it? Because that’s what you really want to fast forward to. Well, if there’s one thing I learnt, it’s how to get the fuck over it.
- REFLECT. Think about all the things that are annoying about that person or the situation you were in. It can’t have all been perfect so focus on the bad for a second.
- PLAN. Make a list of all of the things you want to do for you, now you have the time and space to do them. Set yourself small goals to work towards.
- TRAVEL. A change of scenery is literally like medicine. Even if it’s just going to a new town locally or better still, getting on a plane to somewhere new and exciting.
- CRY. Until you can’t cry anymore. Crying is good for you. It releases emotion and you need to let go in order to move on.
- MOPE. Allow yourself time to feel shit but limit that time. Say to yourself, ok today I’m going to lay in bed and watch Netflix and eat my body weight in chocolate and feel sorry for myself but only today.
- TALK. Tell your friends how you feel. They can help you with number 1. There is bound to be at least one of your friends who thought your ex was a complete and utter douche bag. Listen to them!
- DISTRACT YOURSELF. Keep busy and do things you enjoy. Even if you don’t enjoy them in the same way right now, do them anyway. The enjoyment will come back eventually.
- WRITE. Get your thoughts and feelings out in any way you can. Seeing the words on paper is really powerful and helps cleanse your mind.
- REMEMBER. If this isn’t your first break up, think back to the person you thought you were in love with before. You got over them and you found someone else. You’ve done it before so you can do it again.
- WAIT. The old cliché is true. Time is the best healer. Pick a date in the future either 6 months or 1 year from now. Highlight it in your calendar. On that day take time to think about how much better you feel and how far you’ve come. Reward yourself. You might not be completely over it but things will have improved. You did that and that makes you a fucking legend.
I’ve had 7 significant romantic relationships myself, 4 of which I ended, 3 of which were out of my control. So you could say I’ve had my fair share of heart break. And when I say 7 significant relationships, I mean 7 SIGNIFICANT relationships. These weren’t just a couple of month flirtations, these were relationships. Minimum 18 months, maximum 4 years. Aside from grief, heartbreak is definitely the most character building thing a person can ever go through. It’ll literally make or break you. I guess the good thing about all these relationships ending is that I’m pretty resilient and I’ve learnt a lot about myself and other people. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not easy. You’ll have your good days and you’ll have your absolutely-awful-I-hate-life days. But everything passes, even heartbreak. I’m glad for my 7 endings. They’ve made me tough and they’ve helped me grow. I’ve learnt something each time so that maybe next time I’ll get it right. Who knows I might even have had my last ending? And if I haven’t? Fuck it, back to steps 1 – 10 and on to the next one. That’s love for you.
