It’s been a hot minute since I’ve written anything for the blog.
The last time I asked Instagram if anyone reads blogs, the resounding answer was no. It seems times have changed since I started writing this thing in 2017. I’ve been hesitant to put ‘pen to paper’. If no one is going to read it, what’s the point? I shouldn’t bother or I should just write a journal and keep my thoughts to myself. Well, there are two things to unpack here. Measuring the worth of something based on the audience’s response to it is very ‘social media generation’ which is of course underpinned by capitalism. Something can have value just for existing, not because people have deemed it to. The other thing is I’ve learned over the years that sharing words, thoughts and feelings is powerful. I’ll never forget the person in Dubai who Facebook messaged me because they’d read one of my Macmillan blogs and the words had meant so much to them.
So, I’m in agreement with myself that writing and publishing is useful. The next thing is to remember how to do this. I think I inadvertently followed a format back in the day. I’d think of a topic, set up the ‘problem’ then come up with my version of a ‘solution’. Or I’d rant, or I’d write some vaguely funny observations mixed in with some swearing because that’s how I speak. I’m not sure I have those formats in me today so I’ll just write.
I don’t feel great. I don’t understand people and I’m struggling to see the good in humans as a general population. From Brexit to a whole ass global pandemic straight into a cost of capitalism crisis and that’s without mentioning that the world is literally burning and no one seems to give a fuck. Like, where are my traumatised people at? Why can I go on LinkedIn and people are talking about leveraging AI or what awards they’ve been shortlisted for? How are people just peopling LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED? It’s mass hysteria on a level I didn’t think could exist. Maybe everyone is super resilient. Maybe I’m just sensitive and overthinking. I don’t think so, but LinkedIn would have me believe I’m the anomaly.
Before the pandemic, I felt like I was on the right path. I was working with Age UK Northants, I was running The Happy `Hood and making stuff like The Big Lunch happen successfully. I was creating momentum and lots of great things seemed to be happening around me and to me. That’s gone now. Everything feels harder. Creating momentum, getting people excited and having them come along for the ride feels impossible. Maybe because we’re all just getting through our day, going home, taking our people mask off and are left unable to give more energy to stuff. Or maybe I’m Taylor Swifting and the problem is me. Hi.
I’m doing all the things I know I should do and following the ever-helpful 10 Keys to Happier Living. I’m exercising. I’m volunteering. I’m getting in the flow with stuff like jigsaws (hello middle-age). I’m resting. I’m going to gigs, art exhibitions, and Prides and generally doing things. None of it is really bringing much fulfillment but I’m doing it all anyway because the act of doing the things is meant to be useful. And what’s the alternative?
My therapist would tell me to focus on what I feel in my body. Connecting to myself has always been a struggle. I know how I feel in my head. I feel stuck and frustrated and angry and despondent and disappointed in pretty much everyone. It doesn’t feel good and I’m not sure what to do about it. I can’t afford therapy right now so not even Jon can help me.
I suppose this is one of those blogs that just exists without a nice rounding-off at the end. There is no solution, there’s just the problem and that’s ok. Despite the title, I know I’m not the only one struggling so suggestions from all the other people who are also failing to ‘people’ on a postcard (or in the comments) or maybe just follow along and see what these ramblings turn into.