The great thing about writing a blog is you have a digital time capsule that you can refer to at any point.
It’s the day before my 40th birthday and I guess I’m getting reflective, as I do at this time of year. There’s something about a full journey around the sun that makes you pause for a second. I did some digging through old photos to do some kind of meaningful Instagram post about hitting a milestone (because that’s what we do now). Looking through pictures of my 25th, 30th and 35th birthdays, it made me kind of sad that those days have gone and I’ll never get them back. Many of the people in the pictures aren’t in my life anymore, either by circumstance or design, and that made me sad too.
I wrote a blog on my 35th birthday about what I hoped for in the next 5 years. I don’t remember writing it, I just found it as I was looking through. Turns out I’ve not done too badly on the goals I set for myself. The Happy `Hood hasn’t quite reached the masses I’d hoped for, but over the last 5 years, we can confidently estimate that it’s been read by about 25,000 people. I’m taking that as a win.
30 – 35 was a great period of time for me. I feel like I leveled up emotionally, I came out, bought my first home, started blogging and pushed myself in ways I hadn’t before. 35 – 40 felt like it stalled a little bit (thanks COVID), but I achieved a lot in that time. Maybe I’ll make a list so that I can remember it all.
I’d love to say that I’m facing a new decade with hope and optimism; that I have big plans for the next 10 years and that I’m excited and positive. But honestly, I’m not. I have great things coming up, not least our wedding, but in general, I currently feel pretty stuck. Something is blocking me from getting to the next level. I don’t mean the level of life that our capitalist, patriarchal society expects of me, I mean the next level of my journey through life. I can feel it’s time to shift but I’m not sure how or what that will look like.
I also feel pretty tired and despondent. The world is a truly awful place and people, on the whole, are a pretty awful species. None of it feels particularly hopeful and that’s another thing that makes me sad. The optimism of youth has left the building…. Along with my energy levels and non-creaking knees.
Maybe I’ll look back on this when I’m 45 or 50 and laugh because I had nothing to feel sad about. Maybe the shift will happen when it’s meant to and I need patience (I’ve never been good at that). Maybe the best is yet to come? Stay tuned because you know I’ll be over-sharing the ride.